Happy Cat
by unleashed-demons
Summary: My name's Cat, and I have psychological problems. Cat-centric
1. Chapter 1

My name's Cat, and I have psychological problems.

I see a therapist every week. That doesn't mean I'm crazy. I'm just different than everybody else. Nobody knows. I hide it well. I'm an actor. I learned my character well. She was bubbly, much like I was, but now that bubbly part of me is gone. I can't get her back. I can't get back to who I once was. I don't know how to find myself again. I don't exactly know what happened. But I keep acting. And medication can only do so much.

I don't know where I went wrong. I can't tell. I never used to think like this. I used to be bubbly, full of life. Where did all that life go? It's hard to tell how these thoughts got here in the first place, really. But they won't stop. They're intrusive. They killed who I once was. They killed Cat. Maybe it's because of my active imagination. Who knows.

I have dark thoughts. I don't blurt them out though. They scare me. Sometimes I wonder if Jade thinks these things. I know they're not normal, but was I ever really normal to begin with? No. But I'm not like Jade. I'm not a bad person. I'm not mean. I'm not evil. My thoughts are evil. They make me want to die. But that wouldn't be fair on my friends. I couldn't burden them like that.

I'm supposed to be sweet, but these thoughts appear and I don't know how to stop them. I'm not in control. Maybe I never was. But I didn't expect any of this. I didn't expect to feel this way. I'm so lost in my own mind. No therapist can help me when I don't even know what I'm trying to get help from. It's not like I can get away from my own mind. Well, I could kill myself, but that's not an option. I'm not suicidal. I couldn't do that to the people who love me. I know people love me, but I wish I could be honest with them, especially when they're all so honest with me.

I don't want to be this way, but I can't help it. If they knew, would they look at me like I was a freak? That's why I act. I can laugh, but it's acting. All my emotions have vanished. It's hard to tell which ones of them are real anymore. I hide behind a mask, the mask of happiness. I keep secrets. I lie. A lot. I lie to my friends, but it's better that they don't know. They like happy Cat. I try to be in a good mood all the time for them. But it's starting to get harder for me to act, and I wonder how long until I crash, until I let out the real me. I know it won't be pretty.

I never wanted to grow up. I like acting like a child. It's an escape. I don't like reality. It's too cruel. And when you get older, you start to see the reality of things more clearly. It masks how I truly feel. I was happy when I was a kid. It helps me cope with these scary thoughts that make me feel so, so bad. My thoughts get too much sometimes. I'm not supposed to have them. But I do.

I can't explain something I don't even understand myself. But death makes me curious. I just hate pretending. Nobody knows me. They don't see what's underneath. They only see what I show them, and what I show them is hardly the truth. If they looked inside my brain, would they be scared? Would they ever think I would think such dark thoughts? I'm not open to anybody about them, so they'll never know. They'll never know that I'm not as sweet as I seem.


	2. Chapter 2

I should stop acting like a child. Tori told me that. It hurt. But I don't want to stop acting like a child because I was happy those days. Every insult sticks to me. I know Tori isn't mean, but I can't take criticism. I get enough of it from my dad. He told me he loved me once. He held me and told me that it was gonna be okay, but then things got weird and he started acting funny. But when he touched me, I thought it was normal. That's why I didn't push him away, but when I did he had such a hold on me. And he's my dad. That's not right. I don't think Tori's dad or anybody else's touched them like that. And it hurt. Much like my brother, I didn't think my dad was seriously messed up until now. He was always gentle to me, but maybe too gentle. Nobody knows. That's why I keep up this act. I was supposed to be his little girl, but he hurt me and I don't understand it.

I feel dirty. I feel sick. I feel used. I'm breaking. And nobody knows. I miss my innocence. I wish somebody did, but I had no one to talk to. Nobody will ever know unless I tell them, and I'm scared to speak up. No one will listen. I don't want to be seen. I'm a mistake. I'm bruised. I'm so foolish. I'm so naive. Why did I have to be stupid? But that's because I'm Cat. I never thought people could be so cruel. I never saw the dark side of life until now. I'm in it. I don't like being sad. This feeling isn't me. Sometimes I wish I could be more like Jade, but I know I can't stop myself from seeming so sweet. I hate myself. But I couldn't stop it. I can't fight back. I don't have the courage. I'm weak. I wish I wasn't like this, but I can't help it. I'm stripped out of my identity. This is the new Cat. It's not like I saw any of this coming. But I abuse myself more than my dad abuses me, so I guess I'm winning.

I have secrets. I keep them to myself. I bottle up my emotions with fake ones. I hate pretending. I hate lying. But I can't help it. It's too much. What would be the use in telling when it would only make things worse? My dad would hate me if I told. I can't have him yelling at me. He's already hurt me enough. He thinks I'm stupid. I'm mad at myself for being so stupid. It wasn't real love between a daughter and a father. I don't know why these bad things happen to me. They just do. What would people think if I told? They wouldn't think of me as the same. I lie to my friends. It's starting to get harder to keep the act up. I'm scared I'm going to slip. They can't know. What would they think? I wouldn't be a nice friend. It'll make things go bad again.

I don't always hide behind my mask. There are times when I'm happy, I'll admit. Maybe it's not true happiness. But it's enough. I don't think I'll ever feel that again, but I don't like to upset my friends. They don't deserve to be sad because of me. I feel invisible around them anyway. They think I'm childish. I like acting this way. It makes things seem not so bad sometimes. I don't like being alone. I don't like being around my dad. I'm not who I was. I'm lost in myself. I've changed. Nobody has seen the change that's underneath. I'm still the same Cat to them. It's all an illusion. I have a script, and I use it. That's who they know me as. I'm an actor. I know my lines. I'm not happy Cat. I don't know where she went.


End file.
